Sword men Are something and I’ve Had Intercourse With all of of Them

Illustration: Laia Arqueros Claramunt

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Its every night in April 2013, I am also going to enter one’s West Hollywood room after our very own next day. This mans bedroom is actually a basement, and, taking walks on the gray carpeted steps I think with the crucial line through the 2007 motion picture


“very few men and women have basements in Ca.” I am not sure what type of individual would decide to hole right up in a basement, however when I enter this man’s, I see a multitude of guns: a cane blade, a number of daggers, a Freddy Krueger glove.

This mans cellar space is merely littered with tools. Versus switching about and walking away like many men and women would whenever faced with a bunch of independently possessed guns, I go, “usually a Klingon Bat’leth?” Because this is myself today. I’ve acknowledged my destiny as Hana Michels: lady Who Fucks All the Sword men. (as much as i can tell, a Sword chap is a person which accumulates swords, principles swords, or has actually previously used the expression “respect the blade.”) I invested 3 years of my life with men who owns a Klingon Bat’leth. And a cane blade. And a Freddy Glove. And many daggers. Indeed, should you decide experience a sword guy in a large coastal town, you should consider that I’ve had sex with him.

I honestly think there is no much better demo of sexism within our culture compared to the undeniable fact that we mention cat ladies but not sword men (and that I don’t mean to disparage either). This might be even though the transition in to the sword-guy way of living is actually swifter: A woman should have, let’s say, above three cats before the woman cat possession becomes a lifestyle statement and other people deem their a “cat lady.” However if a guy just mounts one katana on his wall structure he is claiming, “That’s all, this really is me now.” But we never discuss sword men?

We always believe this is because blade dudes only exist regarding the Coasts, as well as in Middle The united states “sword dudes” are “gun dudes.” But my sword-guy stand-up content went more than well in Arizona in 2010, and several associated with the blade guys I’ve hooked up with are transplants who got their particular swords with them on their trip to either Coast. Positive, sword-demo YouTube videos seem to be recorded nationwide while the blade
seems preferred for the entire world. Sword guys tend to be a real class of people — we simply aren’t speaing frankly about all of them. We feel cat ladies have “given right up,” but men whoever bed room is littered with weapons is still super-inviting. Trust in me, because we it seems that find them super-inviting.

You simply can’t simply identify a sword guy throughout the road (unless you’re myself), because sword men do not have that lots of unifying qualities. Unlike “gun dudes,” sword guys are not appearing to own any political viewpoints in accordance, unless “swords are cool and I also like cutting through plastic bottles” is actually a political belief. You may think all blade men are nerds, but this isn’t true. They might be nerds, they could be jocks, they could actually a hybrid of these two.

Sword guys are not always social outcasts, both. They simply have friends who’re cool with chilling out around a lot of swords. Often, they truly are white dudes enthusiastic about Japanese culture, but this isn’t a guideline: My personal ex with all the Bat’leth had not been (though he was totally a white man with black colored framed specs, because the preferred consistent of this blade guy is exactly the same as the uniform associated with Zodiac Killer). In fact, the one and only thing I’m able to say sword dudes have in common is certainly not nurturing whether or not the times they bring home think they are a serial killer. Also, that they like swords I guess.

Unlike you, I can identify sword dudes without previously having seen their own swords. I just installed with a person who’d heard my sword-guy laughs and stated, “don’t be concerned, You will find no swords. IN ADDITION LET ME REVEAL AN ITEM OF SHARON TATE’S FIREPLACE I SIMPLY ACCIDENTALLY HAVE.” You realize Sharon Tate! From CHARLES MANSON MURDERING HER! God, please i’d like to get back to sword guys.

If you’re going to fuck a lot of sword men it’s important to understand which sword men are now well worth screwing. I’ve determined a hierarchy of blade guys also it goes the following:

Guy with replica swords from pop-culture things the guy wants.

This guy is simply rationally cool. He could also generate these swords from scratch for cosplay functions, which will be a proper skill. I’ll take a Star Trek Bat’leth over a QVC katana any time. This person knows what the guy really likes in which he’s not afraid to reveal it. Fuck yeah.

Guy with normal swords.

Every guy with a regular sword starts out with the same “limited edition” (notice: “limited release” implies nothing) QVC/eBay katana. Katanas are the Bulbasaur of blade catching, and also this guy would like to be a genuine sword master. He might or cannot generate YouTube demonstration videos in the Karate Gi playing rare material songs.

Guy which keeps a dagger under his pillow for “protection.”

RUN, operate, RUN, RUN USING THIS chap. In addition if this business care about security much SO WHY DO THEY HAVE NEVER CONDOMS?

After setting up with a lot of sword guys I decided I would better begin checking out sword-guy tradition. An effective place to start studying sword dudes is always to type “my katana sword” in the YouTube look bar. There are certainly everything from blade unboxing, weapon-collection overviews, to my favorite: men slicing circumstances in their backyards, once again, usually over material music. There is no lack of white guys in Karate Gis right here. A number of these films reveal people evaluating and hammering their unique swords to allow buyers determine if they can be a rewarding buy. Although i have not witnessed a sword guy really use their blade for far from ornament, ALL OF THEM WILLING TO. And they’ll tell you as a result. Right before making on.

You will observe the sporadic blade girl within sword-guy movie search. Never read her remarks. If there is the one thing I learned all about sword culture, it really is that blade ladies deserve much better than the YouTube responses they have (hence white individuals are enthusiastic about Japanese weaponry). A different way to read about sword-guy culture will be watch an inordinate quantity of QVC. I recommend carrying this out from a medical facility bed, and that means you you should not feel poor about viewing an inordinate number of QVC. Please be aware that, as a bit of good sword guy will say to you, most of the swords on QVC are overhyped. But that’s the character of QVC and that’s what makes it very fun to view from the hospital bed and/or California basement bed room packed with tools.

More I delved into an online sword-guy bunny hole, the greater amount of we realized the realm of blade men and women is actually diverse and that I have no desire of unifying and recognizing it, regardless of how many sword guys we meet. Every sword man is significantly diffent. Though some seriously have dreams of preserving damsels in worry and you need to definitely avoid those types, others think their own swords look cool, or are really into

Game of Thrones

. Some swords are holdovers from childhood, other individuals are lifelong choices.

I am undertaking a number of sword-guy jokes during my stand-up act for more than a-year now and more usually than maybe not some guy comes up to me following tv series and says “that is me personally!” or DMs me a photo of their blade. These guys are thrilled to appreciate they are not by yourself. And they’ren’t. The world of sword dudes is diverse, but every sword guy stocks a common record. Because they’ve all had intercourse beside me.